How the bald men from Tirunelveli conquered Thanjavur

Now that the wedding is over and the new Manni is not so new any longer, two things occupy our minds.
1. Preparations and hyper activities are underway to send T Anna and M Mani to USA
2. Going through the photo albums and wedding videos over and over again

The latter is most fun. Everyone has an opinion and loves to make snide comments involving: body mass and the lack of hair. After a point, you can almost predict what the joke is going to be. Going through the albums, one notices that there are several bald men.

For a long while I thought that only the men in my family had this, baldness quality. Everyone was bald or getting there. May be it was to do with the Bharadwaja lineage. Madras Thatha, Periappas, Chitappas, Chitappa Thathas -- every one of them bald. Even the young men of the family are mostly bald. When me and S met (more like, saw) any bald man, we wondered if he was related to us.

As one goes through the wedding albums one realizes that most of the men in general are bald. Not just our side, but also the men from M Mani’s side seem to share this quality. Most photographs therefore, show a glinting bald head. Sometimes, when the orange light of the videographer focuses on bald patch, one can see a halo.

The baldness aside, the wedding was as chaotic as one can imagine it to be. Inspite of being from the payyan veetu, we had our own share of drama. Sulking relatives, some chaos, lost keys, upset (allegedly) older unmarried cousins, nosey old maamis, only one ac room for the boys side, the works.

Thankfully for us, the wedding happened at one of the T Nagar mandapams. This was useful as we could run across to the house each time we needed something or just wanted to get away. It also proved useful for the guests who were aged over seventy (who formed a significant proportion of our guest list one noted). This helped as they were brought in to pelt flowers and blessings and sent back after a cup of paayasam. Inspite of this proximity, four cars were needed – three of which were arranged for by the ponnu side. However, four ambassadors proved to be insufficient to carry the load of the extended family and their often frail egos.

The key consideration was to ensure that balance was maintained and feathers remain unruffled. I realised that - amma is actually a goddess. The detailed itinerary that she planned, the complex road map that she drew and the permutations that she worked out made me think that, she and not S should take a shot at the JEE exam.

For example, let’s take thatha’s elder brother – Kitchu Periappa Thatha who stays in Tiruvanmiyur and thatha’s younger brother – Vichu Chitappa Thatha who stay in Mylapore. Given that these were thatha’s brothers, their presence for this Gothram migration was important. Since both of them, had their own minor clan who needed to come for the wedding, each needed one ambassador car to be sent to them. One then needed to factor in that Tiruvamiyur was further away from Myalpore. However, given that the periappa thatha was the oldest member of the clan he needed to reach before anybody else did. And therefore, the cars needed to be managed and sent out at the right times. So, amma and T Anna worked out a complex algorithm and shared the same with S. Inspite of S’s brilliant execution, at least three people were offended, of which only one of them expressed their crib directly to us. Amma and Appa profusely apologized and made sure that T Anna and M Mani did one special round of namaskaram for all these offended relatives. Though, it is somewhat ironical that one must seek blessings of someone who is unhappy with you. It really doesn’t bode too well for T Anna and M Mani.

Next was the distribution of bakshanam and dividing the paruppu thengai. It seemed that M Mani’s family had cheated us by not giving us the number of murukkus, ladoo and mysore paaku that we had asked for. So me and Dubai Atthai who were in charge of the distribution, did some cheating of our own and gave some of the people only ladoo and deliberately didn’t give anything to some people. However Gomathi Periamma who takes a special dislike for Dubai Atthai yelled at her and took over. What had happened earlier was, since Dubai Atthai needed air-conditioning (given that is what she was used to) she was specifically given this soft task. However, as far as Gomathi Periamma was concerned, Dubai Atthai had failed. To add insult to injury, she took one look around the room and triumphantly pulled out one more cardboard carton of bakshanam that mine and Atthai’s partial blindness had missed. After which D Atthai sat in the corner of the room and wept. She refused to leave the room till the wedding got over. In a bid to cover up we started giving bakshanam to people who were not part of the original list. This, as the ones who had to be given the same, had left by then. Amma will never be able to live this down. However, everyone knows that the happiness of a marriage is ensured only if there is at least one unpleasant moment at the wedding.

I saw the wedding only in small doses. T Anna made for an enthusiastic and charming groom. He remembered inane details of random relatives and made polite conversation with several people. However, during the Kasi Yatrai he almost disappeared with the umbrella as he very briskly and purposefully walked towards the nearby Kasi Arcade. M Mani’s appa must have had an anxious moment for a brief period.

I also realise that my extended family has very limited faith in my ability to tie a knot. The number of people who asked me if I was ready to solemnize the wedding actually began to make me anxious. The pin-thali photograph has my face focused with utmost concentration and all the chittis, periammas, atthais, other women I don’t recognize watching closely and looking impatient. After getting my sari for having done the deed, I managed to escape.

Of course how can a wedding really be complete without some other-gothram-people-spotting. Amma had planted her reliable (!) sources – Indira Maami (neighbour and soul sister) and Alamelu Periamma (the real sister) to do the job for her. When the elder sibling gets married, the younger unmarried siblings are potentially at risk. It didn’t help very much that I was going to turn twenty-four soon.

Amma is very hopeful and ambitious for me. However in a huge departure from family tradition, she has decided that I must find a not-bald person to get married to. Don’t mistake us now. We are a bald-men-friendly family, but two reasons prompt amma in her quest for a not-bald groom:
1. She needs to do better than G Periamma’s quest for a son-in-law
2. Nagam Akka, the neighbourhood busybody often spouts this piece of wisdom – the problem with bald men is that they always look the same. One can never make out what their true age is.

We like to age gracefully and well, so we shall look for boy with hair now, so that he can go bald later.

I am feeling somewhat wistful now when I look at T Anna’s wedding pictures. There is this particularly brilliant photograph which has – Appa, T Anna, Periappa, Chitappa 1, Chitappa 2, Chitappa 3, Madras Thatha, Periappa Thatha, Chitappa Thatha and Shastrigal. It captures an intense moment, with all of them staring intently at the homam. Their brown and shiny heads gleam like some rare gems. Such beauty and symmetry is to be found only in rare architecture. Pity then that - my kalyanam shall not have such photographs.

Notes for Prospective Mappillais (MPs)

The man who comes to collect our rubbish is very happy. We now have a huge pile of photographs, letters and photocopied horoscopes to dispose. However, we have decided to donate them to the Almost-Wrinked Tamil Maami Club. You become wrinkled only if you are a mamiyaar.

I am on the lookout for a good boy for my ATP. For the purpose of fruitful proposals, I now give you some basic rules that apply. Since good men in the Tamizh community are in short supply, the rules are relaxed for grooms. All you mappillai hopefuls please apply only if you can provide the following:

1. Your gothram/ nakshatram/ vadama status/ veda category.

2. Photocopies of land deeds stating that your family at one point owned atleast forty five acres of cultivable land in the Cauvery delta. If you lost all the land, kindly state reason. If your great grandfather got drunk at the Lawyers' Club and lost the land, kindly excuse.

3. Evidence that nobody in your family has ever done business. Or gone to the Gulf.

4. A photograph of your head, from a 30 degrees elevated angle, from a distance of about 2.5 feet. This is very important. You see, all my friends want to see the wedding photographs. And if a man is even slightly bald, the aseervadam seeking photographs (where bride and groom dive at various elderly feet) turn out very bad.

5. JEE Rank certificate.

6. Photograph of you in a Brilliant Tutorials advertisement. (Other Tutorial Boys need not apply.)

7. Evidence that your family has at least one Pichu Mama, Ambi Athimber, Vaithi Mama, Vichu Chittappa. One of each is enough. In extreme circumstances, we allow for Ambi Athai.

8. Additionally, also provide affidavits so we know there is at least one Delhi Athai in the family, with the Athimber having held some random position in the IAS. You may do your railway reservations online, but that is below our dignity. We don't go online to buy tickets, or even stand in queues. In our family, we call Delhi Athai and ensure that a Minister's quota is released.

9. If anybody in your family is named Ramanujan or has a dog named Tommy/ Timmy, kindly excuse.

Yours most Tamil-fully
Already Once-Mamiyaar

Pee.Ess: If anyone in your family refers to the other as "Akka", don't dare contact.

Why Nilambari is prettier than Ahiri

Yes, T Anna is married. It all happened too soon. Amma is mother-in-law. Appa is hoping that someone will have his name soon. Thatha is happy that his favourite grandson is settled. Paati is happy because thatha was alive to see his grandson embark in this journey to get settled.

It was chaotic. M Mani is nice. I like her. She is very soft spoken. In fact, her voice is so feeble, that one can’t even hear it. That played a big part in why the marriage happened. My family is so loud, it gets embarrassing. Actually, most of them are deaf. So they are left with no choice but to raise their voices. A soft spoken M Mani is exactly what the family needs.

T Anna and M Mani were in touch through emails for a few months. Even though, M Mani was from the hated Koushika Gothram, we decided to go on with the case. After all, T Anna was getting older and bald.

When he landed in Madras a month and a half ago, we were shocked to see him. The erstwhile broad forehead (that we attributed his high JEE rank to) had now become a completely bald patch of head. The good thing was that, T Anna had lost some weight along with hair.

Paati wanted to know, why T Anna had become so dark? NRI’s are supposed to be fair, she said.

Pitchu Maama, who is Amma’s Maama-cum neighbour cum senile relative (that each family must have) recommended that we take T Anna to – Fair and Hair Clinic on Lattice Bridge Road. After some debate and a smallish tantrum from T Anna, we decided against it. What I and S would like to know is ,why is Pichu Maama Thatha visiting such places?

There were actually two girls that T Anna saw. It would be insulting Bharadwaja Gothram and Brilliant Tutorials if he had to decide whom to marry after seeing only one girl.

So there was M Mani and another girl - G.

G was the preferred choice of the clan. However, T Anna was always more pro M Mani. But being the good boy that he is, he agreed to meet G first. There were many things that worked for G:

1. Her family lived in T Nagar
2. She was very tall
3. She was very thin
4. She was the only daughter
5. She was learning paatu from Suguna Purushottam, an artist that amma had heard at Vani Mahal some years ago. G was most proficient (allegedly) in Ahiri Raagam. (Nope, we didn’t make her sing. Amma felt that - given that we were a modern family with NRI boy, this would be unacceptable)
6. Her family had sent us a studio photograph (as opposed to M Mani who had a photograph taken at her home. That too with her head tilted too much, smiling too much and sitting on a posh sofa)

However, two things worked against G.

1. Her mother spoke too much. She was presumptuous and she seemed to assume that T Anna was on her side. Amma’s maternal instincts hollered and she got territorial.
2. G was too much like us. Amma and T Anna figured that she will get us very quickly and easily. That is never a good quality for a new daughter-in-law to have. In fact, she must not get us at all. And when she does, it must be too late.

We told G & Co that we would get back to them, but I think they had guessed by then.

We came home somewhat dejected. Meeting with M Mani and Co. was scheduled for next day.

While we liked M Mani, we were not sure if she would fit in our family. Their house had a sofa set. They had curtains. And they had lots of polished brass lamps around. The biggest reason why we didn’t like M Mani was because her family had sent her photograph in an envelope that said – BHEL.
Why get your daughter-in-law from a family that steals office stationery?

However, T Anna liked M Mani. He was sure that she would get a job in US. He thought that they shared the same wave-length (whatever that meant).

When we came back home, periappa and family, both thathas and paati and Vaithi Maami were there. Vaithi Maama is thatha’s friend, philosopher and guide. When Vaithi Maama says something, it rules.

A detailed analysis involving the pros and cons for both G and M Mani was undertaken. Differential weights were attached to each variable. The fact that T Anna liked M Mani more was given a higher weightage. After much analysis, M Mani was chosen as the-likely-to-be-better-member of the Asal Tamil household.

This was because:

1. M Mani was a software engineer – will get job in USA. Will be intellectually compatible (read: geeky) with T Anna.
2. M Mani did not make it through JEE. She had studied in obscure engineering college in Kancheepuram. She will be grateful for having landed herself an IIT boy.
3. While we were doing some small talk initially, amma mentioned that she had spotted M Mani and family at the Tarangam Music Festival held at the Narada Gana Sabha. Everyone got excited and started talking about concerts that they had attended at the last year's music season. Amma is a Nityashree fan. Amma likes pedigree. So when M Mani said that the she thought Nitaysahree’s Nilambari rendition at one of the concerts was brilliant, amma was converted.

It was concluded that, ability to identify raagams correctly was a more appropriate quality for a daughter-in-law to have, than her ability to sing the same.

Vaithi Maama also said that, Ahiri raagam if sang at the wrong time of the day could result in major trauma. Nilambari on the other hand, is the raagam that is sung to put the gods to sleep.

T Anna is god. And so, M Mani won. I think.

Tamizh Independence and Milk-fed raised Parrot

From the minute T Anna was born, I raised him to be independent like all good Tamizh boys. He would think for himself, make his own decisions, and never do anything to hurt his mother. Tamizh independence is very good for families. It keeps them together, and ensures that the sole copy of The Hindu is not shredded to pieces.

The Hindu is also important to Tamizh Independence. It ensures that we can put all our various podis - Rasam Podi, Sambhar Podi, Molaga Podi in little potlams and carry them abroad. Without these potlams we could potentially end up eating veli-nattu saapadu and corrupt our Tamizhness.

That is why my daughter works at The Hindu. It keeps Tamizh Nation together.

Imagine my horror today as T Anna walked in with one potlam (a cheap potlam may I add, wrapped in Dina Malar) for his wife. Without asking me. My stomach is tied up and burning. My womb is wailing. But later, I spied and found that he had bought her sanitary napkins. I think sanitary napkins are very non-brahmin.

Whatever happened to my kozandai. Paalooti Valartha Kili...

A new womb in the household

This boy is married. I am Mamiyaar. I can finally hold my head high at the Wrinkled Tamil Maami Club. I have a married boy. I have daughter-in-law. Plus, now I shall closely inspect all you prospective Tamizh grooms.

I have great hopes for the daughter-in-law. First of all, she needs to burn something in the kitchen today, so I can place heaps of curses on her entire gothram. Secondly, she needs to do something deeply inauspicious. I can then tell her that her upbringing is inadequate.

Daughter in law does computers. I don't know what that means. But she sits in front of computers all day. Which is good. I don't want her to go about shaking the non-brahmin hands of male colleagues. I hope she has Goddess Lakshmi's photograph on her computer. It will instill great values. Very important for her womb.