Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Notes for Prospective Mappillais (MPs)

The man who comes to collect our rubbish is very happy. We now have a huge pile of photographs, letters and photocopied horoscopes to dispose. However, we have decided to donate them to the Almost-Wrinked Tamil Maami Club. You become wrinkled only if you are a mamiyaar.

I am on the lookout for a good boy for my ATP. For the purpose of fruitful proposals, I now give you some basic rules that apply. Since good men in the Tamizh community are in short supply, the rules are relaxed for grooms. All you mappillai hopefuls please apply only if you can provide the following:

1. Your gothram/ nakshatram/ vadama status/ veda category.

2. Photocopies of land deeds stating that your family at one point owned atleast forty five acres of cultivable land in the Cauvery delta. If you lost all the land, kindly state reason. If your great grandfather got drunk at the Lawyers' Club and lost the land, kindly excuse.

3. Evidence that nobody in your family has ever done business. Or gone to the Gulf.

4. A photograph of your head, from a 30 degrees elevated angle, from a distance of about 2.5 feet. This is very important. You see, all my friends want to see the wedding photographs. And if a man is even slightly bald, the aseervadam seeking photographs (where bride and groom dive at various elderly feet) turn out very bad.

5. JEE Rank certificate.

6. Photograph of you in a Brilliant Tutorials advertisement. (Other Tutorial Boys need not apply.)

7. Evidence that your family has at least one Pichu Mama, Ambi Athimber, Vaithi Mama, Vichu Chittappa. One of each is enough. In extreme circumstances, we allow for Ambi Athai.

8. Additionally, also provide affidavits so we know there is at least one Delhi Athai in the family, with the Athimber having held some random position in the IAS. You may do your railway reservations online, but that is below our dignity. We don't go online to buy tickets, or even stand in queues. In our family, we call Delhi Athai and ensure that a Minister's quota is released.

9. If anybody in your family is named Ramanujan or has a dog named Tommy/ Timmy, kindly excuse.

Yours most Tamil-fully
Already Once-Mamiyaar

Pee.Ess: If anyone in your family refers to the other as "Akka", don't dare contact.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Phew. Can you please give the readers a breather? So many gems being doled out is too much.

Lalita said...

Sigh. She comes back having lost grammar:
Additionally, also provide affidavits so know there are is at least one Delhi Athai in the family,

Sigh.

The Indoo said...

Who owns this Blog now?

Spunky Monkey said...

"Akka", you have a problem with Maami?
Why, you don't like the Karnataka Iyengars/Iyers? They also have high JEE ranks, land in the Kaaveri delta, and most certainly don't have Timmy/Tommy dogs (Jackie/Johnny seems to be the favorite here).
Then, why you don't like? Ennamaa id discrimination?

The Kid said...

Being Vadama, you have quite a nerve to be so demanding. I would rather marry an Iyengar than a Vadama girl :p

Rohan Venkat said...

Oi! What's wrong with having gone to the Gulf?

(brilliant, brilliant post, btw)

Anonymous said...

She goes silent for months and now resurfaces with some heavy duty MPD. Seriye illai.

soul.u.shuns said...

can I add

Point number #
If you expect me to call you 'ennunga' after the ceremony. Please look other way.
Also if anyone in the family calls their husband 'mama' please refrain from any form of contact.

Point number #
Please provide evidence that relatives in bombay lived in either sion, matunga or chembur.
SIES education is given preference.

(to the author, a most brilliant piece {say in tamiz accent) Just too good. )

Blogeswari said...

Also

Any remote Palghat connection - reject, especially those saying "Ethara mani?" "Adakkum" or "Shaaptacha?"
Malayalis sagavaasam vendavee vendam.

All those Palghat tams saying "Nangalum tamizh aakum" after reading this comment.. konjam talli nillunga.. You are all keralites. Inga vandu tamizh family la ponn eduthu ottika pakadeL

Bong Girl said...

Wow!! And now we also have a brilliant Mamiyaar! :) This is just too much funny only! :)

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Blogeswari - you dare cast aspersions on the good people of Palakkad! Fie on you and your Cauvery delta clan!

Hawkeye said...

asal thamizh maamiyar,

bale! super post pongo! unga ponnai konjam kandichu vaingo. thollai thaangalai

the kid,

ai aasaya paaru. no iyengar will marry you :P

Kadambari said...

Heh, nice. Tamizh boys will complain a lot though. You may hear several complaints against the daughter. Brace yourself!

ayalnattil asal tamizlar said...

m mani = m manni?

sanitary napkin potlam mystery should not be so great. traditionnai thalli vecchuteLa?

Room With A View said...

Brilliant writing, ATP, just brilliant. Makes me wish you'd been with Hindu a few years ago, when I too worked there. Tell me, do all those mamas/journos at Hindu, who have only initials for names, know you blog?

Btw, Ramanujam vendam, seri. What do you have against Akka? What are you supposed to call a naathanar who's a good many years older than your aathu kaarar?

Madras Chick said...

Oh Man..
You must hate your T Anna so much!

I can see this comes from all the partiality that your Mum showed, when raising the son and the daughters.

Anyway, can't wait for more family vambu. This is like watching reality TV. Missed you when you went into hibernation.

Tamil Hater said...

Like one of you was not enough.

பினாத்தல் சுரேஷ் said...

wow! brilliant!

The Iyerish Revolutionary said...

With reference to the advertisement in your blog seeking propective grooms, I hereby submit the details of my nephew, Paranthaman Subramaniyan Mohanakrishnan for your perusal. His features (yechh!) are relevantly numbered according to your requirements

1. Gothram - tasmac gothram
nakshatram - Ramba, though the boy insists that Asin is a cuter nakshatram
vadama status - we used to buy them when we were in Mylapore. However, since we shifted to Virugai, we only use appalams. There is a maami who delivers vadams home, but her webspace is down, so we dont know the status.
veda category - he studied in Brilliant Tutorials and so its better than Veda

2. We are direct descendants of Raja Raja Chozhan ( the original, not Sevalier Sivaji). We owned something like 4.5 Million acres. We dint lose the land. Its still owned by one of our relatives (inter-caste marriage) who goes by the name of Moopanar.
My great grandfather did drink, but he did it at MRC and he won 4 horses in the rummy games he played while drinking.

3. This question is a bit confusing. All along I thought being a Brahmin itself was business.
The only place that our family go to is Khader Gulf Oil Stores near Midland Theatre to buy 2T oil.

4. Photo will be shown during pennparkum samayam. The boy is a Photoshop specialist and any baldness can be morphed easily later-on.

5. The boy runs a website which has a XXX certification.

6. Photograph from which year? Pls indicate clearly as the boy has been passing only through BT right from his 1st Std. All photos of BT carry his photograph.

7. Is this a coincidence ? We have all you want. In fact my Vaithi mama has a twin who is known as Kaithi mama, after he went to jail for smoking inside Kapali temple. We also have Ambi Athai, though she's affectionately known as Rambi athai, cos she aruthufies so much.

8. We did have a Delhi Athai whose hubby worked in the IAS. Her grandson has recently been promoted as Gen.Sec of a national party. I'm sure that also takes care of the ticket issues as the Railway Minister works for the grandson's mother. In fact, we hear that there is a plan to divert MRTS through Virugai soon, for family's sake.

9. Nopes, just that my cousin's hubby's name is Tommy (another inter-caste marriage) and they have named their dog, Ramanujam.

Looking forward to the Bajjis and Sojjis is your house soon.

Mandu said...

Brilliant !!!

and Iyerish Revolutionary : Thanks so much for your repartee !!!!

I havent laughed so much in such a long long time

Mandu

iyerish revolutionary said...

ATM>Thanks ... this is wonderful.

The whole family thank you for helping us locate Mandu maami after all these years. The last we heard was that she went into reclusion somehere near Swamimalai after losing four consecutive 56 games at home.

We defenitely want to be your sambandhis.

Madras Chick said...

yey.. yaruppa indha Iyerish Revolutionary?

Sariyana Jodi porutham for ATP!

The Iyerish Revolutionary said...

enna Madras Kozhi, routeayey mattharel?

Enakku kalyanam ayuduthu. In fact, rendu pondatti....hee hee, ponnu onnudhan, avalodu sunsign Gemini, eppovum athule rendu wife madhiri oru feeling...

Naan thedinduirukkaradhu for my nephew.

Aana, neenga cholrel, adhunale vena moonavudha vechukalam. OMRley oru veedu kattindu irukken. Tenantsukku vidanda appo.

Shemam...

Bikerdude said...

Too much ATP! Uff! lol.

Aside: Blogeshwari, your Ethra mani bit was hilarious too. You left out the Bangalore "vandhenungo, ponenungo" Iyer lot though :P

Amrita Bhashyam said...

Konjam relaxation criteria tevai. Also, can we have the ATP's requirements too?

Anonymous said...

Wicked funny.

Prajeesh said...

I think this is your best. I loved, Photograph in brilliant tutorials Ad.

Viswajith said...

super blog...absolute gem...elaathukum thaniyaa indha maadiri comment adikarduku sombaerithanam...but all the posts are too good...superb...