Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Drug Induced

I have been feeling neither too Tamizh or Penn like, the last few days. Trichy was rainy and Madras is as hot as ever. I can’t handle it when the temperature drops. I need the Madras heat.

I am told chikungunya is back in the air (many cases in Kerala) and that I might be dying even. It is neither a very glamorous or very Tamizh illness. I hate the nomenclature of the illness that has such a North Indian sound to it, like it originated from Lucknow.

Note to Self: I should never leave Madras. Ever.

Our regular doctor is vacationing at this point, so had to consult one of those young, well-dressed, annoying doctors. His name was Prabhakar, which could mean that he is either a Tamizh, Mallu or a Gult. Or god forbid, even one of those North Indian chaps. He was very unfriendly and ambiguous with his diagnosis.

And now I am feeling just a little high after all the drugs that I have consumed.

At office, people are beginning to bore me now. Everyone insists on discussing very grand and esoteric stuff. Like two overzealous boys were discussing on the greatness of – TT Krishnamachariar versus C. P. Ramaswami Iyer and their contribution to pre-independence India.

They ask for my help to resolve the issue.

Aiyyo, I say. And I came back home.

Who knows and who cares anyway?

All I know is both have streets named after them. Also that one of them was instrumental in starting a company that sells condoms today and the other wrote forewords of insanely large number of books, including for the Tamil translation of Milton’s Paradise Lost that one had to read in college.

At least, I am unwell. Others have no excuse to be boring.

To cheer self up, I have a contest, in memory of Avataram’s omnipresent thatha and his ghost. I forget his name now, so let’s just call him B Thatha.

So you must attempt to write a story that has the following keywords:
1. Madras
2. World Naked Bike Race (WNBR)
3. Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya

Keep it short and funny. Avoid obscenity and Iyengaar characters. Mention of turban shall fetch you brownie points.

Avataram has generously agreed to sponsor a prize even, some book about fat people. I think.


Kadambari said...

Recently I went to the annual World Naked Bike Race held in Madras. And I caught Asal Tamizh Penn there on a pillion with Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya. In a blatant disregard of the new law in place, Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya wore a turban instead of the mandatory helmet. The race began; Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya started the peddling. Asal Tamizh Penn screams. Loud noise follows. And the race ended. At the hospital dormitory, Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya and Asal Tamizh Penn are discussing about a suitable strategy for the Auto Race that they wish to take part the next month, this because, it is friendly to turbaned souls.

Sriram Murali said...

The race started. The world has too many ugly and naked men and women, he thought looking at the cheering crowd. They are there everywhere. Even in his beloved Madras. Lolling around. Being mall rats. Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya sighed and got nostalgic about days before ungrateful grandchildren would be less pre-occupied with ESPN.

Anonymous said...

Funny girl, found ya!
BTW, Mylapore Times is heartbroken.

Nalam Virumbi said...

Now why does this sound like yet another swipe at one Mylapore mami that blogosphere is so fond of?

Ashok said...

Sir Mokshagundam Viswesvarayya was a pre-eminent member of the Worldnak-Edbike race, named after the 2 anthropologists who discovered them in the hinterlands of Karnataka. While they uncovered that large turbans and massive civil engg projects were typical features of this race, Professor Edbike and Dr. Worldnak suddenly realized that they were simply fictional characters in a blog post comment and suddenly vanished into a series of dots .....

Dr Prabhakar said...

I am actually Chinese. I am also very hurt.

Fitness One said...

Avataram has generously agreed to sponsor a prize even, some book about fat people. I think.
Are you pro or anti fat?

Asal Tamil Penn said...

I don't have an uncompromising point of view on fat. As far as possible, I resist it. If it still gets to me, I make peace with it.
And I don't discriminate people on fat. There are a number of other variables that discriminate far more sharply.

Anonymous said...

Avataram's thatha is - Brahmeboodha Suryanarayana Iyer.
Ippadi B thatha na sollriye. Paavam.

anantha said...

Hmmmm... Thappichar Brahmeboodha Suryanarayana Iyer. B Thaatha nu sollitu vittutiye. Good. At least B.S Thaatha nu sollama vittaye. Adhuve podhum.

And adhu "neither...nor" illayo? "Either...or", I think.

Anusha said...

Paavam TTK also.

Asal Tamil Penn said...

No thathas should be hurt because of this Blog. Please be nice to them.


Chengis Khan said...

Tired of Avataram’s thatha, Nilu goes to consult Sir Mokshagundam Viswesvarayya, who was running a – Turban Preservation Foundation in Vyasarpadi, Madras. Sir MV listened patiently to Nilu’s problem and recommended that his only hope was to beat B Thatha at the Annual World Naked Bike Race to be held at Trichy. Once he loses the race, B Thath’s bootham shall be freed and Nilu can get back to his original love and doing what he does best. On hearing this, Nilu decided that puking was a better alternative than ever hoping to beat B Thatha.

Anonymous said...

I am curious. How does it feel to be working for the most hated establishment?

avataram said...

Though I cannot legally participate in a contest I sponsor, here is a story.

Nilakantan Rajaraman sweltered in the Madras heat. This idea of participating in the World Naked Bike Race was a bad one. In any case, most of the time, he was in shorts. What was the point of a Naked Bike Race? It wasn't as if he would be reducing his carbon emissions. And in any case he was not winning. Kiruba was way ahead of him. Even Avataram´s Thatha, Brahmeboodha suryanarayana iyer, surrounded by a gaggle of MOP Vaishnav girls was gaining on him. He felt tired. But he had to prove that he was the best biker. He made a superhuman effort and gained on the bikers ahead of him one by one. Just before the finish line, he noticed that the one man ahead of him was Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya, resplendent in just his turban. He decided to pull the turban in an effort to slow him down. But with each pull more Mokshagundam Visvesvarayyas jumped out of the turban, complete with bikes with the result that MV was first, second and third in the race. Nilakantan was heartbroken.

Sriram said...

ATP announced a WNBR in Madras in memory of Avataram's grandfather. Nilu and Visvesvarayya had been working out in the gym burning fat and getting into shape so that they look better naked. Come the day of the race, they both were present naked, but Visvesvarayya had his turban on. Just then three policemen named sriram, murali and karthik arrested the two for indecent exposure. ATP had lodged a complaint because the prize sponsor Avataram had actually meant "naked bikes" - bikes without chain cover and not "naked riders".

Anonymous said...

I think Avataram wins the contest hands (and pants, may be) down!

neha vish said...

I present my entry madam.

And now I present my exit.

Anonymous said...

what the hell is it that u have against iyengaar folks?!!

Anonymous said...

Today is Avataram Day in Blogosphere.
So, who wins?

Asal Tamil Penn said...

Curious Anonymous: Great pride and ownership. Okay aa?

Sriram: I like your story too. You should just change your name. Thanks.

Sriram said...

ippidi sonna eppidi... prize um kudukkale aana per mattum mathu na?

rishabh said...

Here's my take on this:

My first trip to Madras(Okay Chennai you authoritative bastards!) started with a bang. Literally. As I got off the plane, this gust of wind slapped me across the face and flew past me, making my face moist and sticky and in most probability dark, so that I would blend in. Sure, I had been to Mumbai(you know a coastal region), but never Chennai, this welcome was quite unexpected.
As I wandered through the streets I saw that there were no footpaths. So where do the pedestrians walk then? I pondered. Aha! I should have guessed. No wonder all the roads seem so narrow! Jeez! It would have put Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya to shame. It'd possibly force him to take part in the World Naked Bike Race (WNBR) and who knows if the fury was lasting, then he'd probably clinch the title and win it!
Mean while I continued to roam the streets of Madras. Every wall had huge posters of Karunanidhi smiling away to glory. I guess that was something amusing to look at while attending nature's call. The huge dark patches under the posters bore testimony to that.
But at the back of my head there was Visvesvariya, butt naked, riding a moped(He bribed the authorities with his life savings to allow mopeds in the race) with nothing but his turban covering his head. I guess he had been to a chinese restaurant the day before, whe he was probably served a fortune cookie and I am guessing it had 'Tomorrow is your lucky day' etched on it. This must've surely put a smile on his face while he was swooshing on the moped at 30. As it turned out, the winds from the south decided to interfere and swooped away all the constestants, some of whom were almost near the finish line,leaving behind our turban clad civil enzineer, as the lone contestant. I have been dreaming for quite some time now yet he hasn't reached the finish line.

Anonymous said...

I think, I will marry you.

Lubna said...

I was pointed in this direction today. So here is my contribution.

Seconds before Madras loses its identity and becomes Chennai, Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya is whisked away by his friend AsalTamil Penn, a researcher for the revised edition of the cyber-famous blog: On being Tamizh and a Penn.

“A turban, is about the most massively useful think a cyber-space traveller can have”, admonishes Asal Tamil Penn and urges Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya to pick up his gaudy red turban, that he had got for a rupee after bidding on the late night Z-bay auction. The weight of the turban keeps you from floating away completely, explains Asal Tamil Penn.

However, Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya gapes in disbelief as he watches Asal Tamil Penn’s head swelling up beneath his brown turban. It could the stifling Madras heat or it could be the effect of too many visitors to the beta stage blog: On being a Tamizh and a Penn. Sir does not have an answer, nor does he know what a Tamizh is or a Penn.

But friends are for ever, never mind about these things. Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya shakes his head and mounts the twin-seater cyber-space shuttle. Their first stop in cyber-space is to hop over to a blog maintain by Asal Tamil Penn’s two-headed friend, Bala. His real name is unknown, he chose Bala as his blog name, because every second person he knew was called Bala. What a way to protect one’s identity. Unfortunately, identity crisis loomed large and Bala forget his real name.

He is call two headed because one blog is full of stuff that only a geek techie can churn out. It is all about Java beans, and Cplus plus and Ruby Reds. “No ruby red is not his girl friend” explains Asal Tamil Penn.

The other blog –ahh, Sir Mokshagundam Visvesvarayya is drooling at the prospect of watching a live webcast of the World Naked Bike Race. The venue is unknown and a top most secret, but Bala- the two headed has managed to get exclusive right to webcast this race.

As they hurtle towards this blog, there is a highpitched scream – Aiyoooooo, Madras now called Chennai is plunged into sudden darkness, there is a power cut. And the two friends are still out there somewhere in cyberspace.

(With due apologies to my favourite author, the late Douglas Adams and to Asal Tamal Penn)