Saturday, April 5, 2008

Indian Railways versus Elephant Yam

Yesterday, I nearly killed Appa. Or at any rate, I made a serious attempt to.

I won’t claim to be a domestic goddess, but like Appa tells me, you will get pass mark. My inherent mediocrity finds its way into all aspects of my life.

Some years ago, when we moved away from the joint family household, two things changed significantly. For one, we had to depend solely on Appa to provide for all of us, and the perils of being a single income household hit us hard. The other change was that Amma went on a training mode – to turn me into a woman and a human being.

As a teenager, with a mind of my own and erratic hormones, I didn’t take too well to this training. After a lot of resistance and deterioration in my mathematics marks, Amma decided to employ a maid to do the basic tasks.

But when it came to cooking, Amma would not have any of this outsourcing. And given that we could never afford a Samayal Maami, that was anyway not an option.

While I successfully resisted learning most of the domestic chores, but between Amma’s erratic pre-menopausal problems and Appa’s Brahminical sensibilities, I had no choice but to learn cooking.

I hold the large quantities of cooking that I needed to do, as the single biggest reason for the lack of academic brilliance in my life. The most tragic part of it was that, not only did I do badly in mathematics; I didn’t turn out to be such a great cook either.

Actually, I cook alright, but unfortunately, Amma is not a very flamboyant cook and I have learnt five recipes in all. Over the years, Amma churned the same five dishes across 365 days with utmost talent. We never really complained. Because we didn’t want to evoke the wrath of Amma, and mostly because nobody made these five dishes better than Amma did.

Amma wasn’t always like this. Before her wedding to Appa, she was apparently a multi-faceted cook. Trichy Paati had a Thanjavur gene and therefore more flair in her cooking. Trichy Thatha loved good food and was always open to his wife doing culinary experiments. And most importantly, there were no vegetables and fruits that were a taboo at Trichy Thatha’s house.

After marriage, Amma had to unlearn all the good work that Trichy Paati had managed to achieve and master the five essential dishes that appealed to the members of the Bharadwaja Gothram clan. In Trichy Thatha’s house everything was exotic, fried, high on carbs, high on spices, borrowed from other worlds and then fused with the Tamizh world.

In contrast, at Madras Paati’s house, the foods were cooked on a slow flame, high on Vitamins, low on carbs and fat, bland, soft, gooey and mildly flavoured.

Madras Paati tells us about an incident where Amma tried to kill all the men in the family over a Sunday morning brunch. Newly married, and with Periamma being down with a mild fever, Amma was in charge of the kitchen. In her attempt to show off her fine upbringing and Trichy Paati’s brilliant training, Amma decided to make Senai Kizhangu Fry. Fortunately for all the women of the house, the men ate first and it proved useful here. Barely two minutes into the first course of Sambhar Saadam, Madras Thatha threw up and Periappa began to develop an itch.

Amma got flustered and dragged the Periamma from her drug induced state. Periamma asked Amma if she had made something with Sepan Kizahnagu. No, Amma said relieved. On reaching the dining area, Periamma was shocked to see that Amma had made Senai Kizahngu.

She let out the loudest yell and Paati who was in the middle of her Ekadasai fast came running to check if her daughters-in-law were engaged in a cat-fight.

Dr Krishnan arrived and injected all the male folk with some anti-allergy drug.

That evening, Amma learnt her first lesson - if it is Kizhangu, we must avoid. And in all the Kizhangu crimes, Senai and/or Karunai Kizhangu was the biggest one to indulge in.

Every family has some quirks. My family has several urban legends. One of the most widely prevalent one is that – Kizhangus in one’s food intake must be kept to the minimum. There are two key reasons given in favour of this No Kizhangu Policy:

1. Kizhangu consumption dulls the brain. Therefore, if you have growing children, avoid Kizhangu. More so, if you have unrealistic expectations in the context of their academic achievements. Kill them with Vendakkai and Murungakkai Sambhar.

2. Many years back, Periappa Thatha developed a fascination for reading the Bhagavad Geetha. He learnt two important things in the process. One, every morning, before one eats, something needs to be offered to Lord Krishna as Neivedyam. Even if it is a glass of Horlicks, it is okay. Even if it made only with water, it is okay. Even if it is sugar free, it is okay. After all, it was god who created Horlicks and also gave Appa diabetes. The more important learning was that of going the path of Saatvik, the recommended path for god-like beings. While the men folk with their short fuses were not really suitable for the Saatvikness in the more important things, they adopted a Saatvik diet, which seemed easier to achieve. Root vegetables needed to be avoided, the women folk who married and came into the family were told so. No Kizhangu va, they asked bemusedly. But then, small price to pay when you are married to a god.

Of course, among all these Kizhangu, Senai was the vilest and alleged to lead the fine men of the clan to near death like situation. Sometimes when I accompanied Amma during her vegetable shopping trips, in a rare moment of candour, she would admit that, she missed the Senai Fry and Varuvval that her Amma lovingly made. When I would suspiciously look at that brown-black, oddly shaped and coated with mud vegetable and tentatively reach for it, Amma would sternly ask me to put it away and negotiate on the best price for the Vendakkai.

I first ate Senai Kizhangu Kola at Poongothai’s place. I didn’t like it very much, but I didn’t die. That got me suspicious. Were the men folk in my family truly allergic to Senai? Was this one of those myths created, just for fun? Was it created to make Madras Thatha feel less bad about his allergy to the vegetable? Did the lack of Senai in the diet lead to pre-mature balding of all the young men of the clan?

This anti Senai sentiment was widely prevalent across the extended family. So much so that, when weddings were fixed and negotiations were to happen, we didn’t ask for Arusuvai Natarjan or Chellapa to supply the food. No Senia Varuval and no Senai in the Avial please, is all that we humbly demanded.

Inspite of repeatedly impressing upon to the caterer that Senai was to be avoided, the women folk remained suspicious. The Periamma, Maamis, Chittis, Atthais and random Maamis formed a formidable Anti Senai Squad. They would spread themselves all over the mandapam and dining hall. They would jump on hapless boys from the clan, when they were heading towards the saapadu place and would tell them rather enthusiastically, don’t eat the Avial, for it has Senai.

Not having enough trust in the other members of the Maami Squad, every one of them would tell the boys to stay away from certain dishes. If there was no Senai, it was triumphantly announced to the men folk and they needed to feel grateful to the Maami who came bearing the good news.

Inspite of this rather foolproof method, some male member would end up not getting this message and even as one of the Mamais would spot him and dramatically run towards him shrieking to stop eating the Avial right then, it would be too late. Often, the men folk would come in an auto and leave in an ambulance.

The only good thing that came out of all of this was that, the women got to eat first.

I and S had always wondered what would happen if Appa and T Anna actually ate a little bit of Senai. Surely they wouldn’t die, would they?

Trichy Thatha had once told me, all of this was psychological and just like god created Horlicks he had also created Senai. And my Appa’s clan was merely hyperventilating. I must admit, I liked this theory.

And so when I got control of the house and the kitchen, I bought a Senai. While chopping, it did itch and irritate, but then, nothing that seemed life threatening. Indira Maami obliged me with her secret recipe and that and half a litre of oil later, the vegetable was done. I tasted it, was rather nice.

Appa was pre-occupied that morning. Some boy’s family wrote back saying that their son’s wedding got fixed. The boy’s Appa was in the Indian Railways and Appa was hoping that my marriage into that family would ensure that Amma got lower berths for the rest of her life. May be, that is why he didn’t notice the Senai that I liberally put in his plate. Some two minutes into eating, he threw up and his face turned red and began to grow to a monstrous size. I watched him horrified. I was thinking of Section 302 of the IPC. After a lot of drama and huge yelling that I got from Periamma and Periappa, Appa was taken to the hospital. He was sent back home after being given an injection. He was so sedated that, he immediately went to sleep. I decided that I would play nurse for the day and skip work.

Later that night, at the designated hour, Appa, I and S crowded around the computer to Skype with Amma. We had worked out a deal that, we will not report to Amma about the Senai mishap. Amma was informed about the loss of an Indian Railways father-in-law. She didn’t seem as heart-broken because she was brimming with the excitement of her own news. It seemed that some of my cousins had come home over the weekend before and Amma had dazzled them and made them her slaves forever by giving them Manoharam (that was broken and mildly flavoured with the naphthalene balls in her suitcase). And of course, her world renowned rasam.

We all made appreciative noises and logged off after fixing our next designated call’s date and time.

Appa looked tired and said he wanted to sleep. I was a little worried. He had been unusually silent the whole evening. It could be the drugs, but I wasn’t sure. I forced S to sleep and when I was sure she was asleep, I went to check on Appa. I was guilty. I was feeling stupid. And I was mostly scared. Sometimes, when he stopped snoring, I would tip-toe closer, to check if he was still breathing. And I didn’t feel anything like the twenty-four year old grown up woman. I was a child and my Appa was unwell. It was unfamiliar and unsettling. I wanted my Amma back. And I wanted to have Murungakka Sambhar and the other four dishes that she made, for the rest of my life. Really.

By morning, Appa was better and I woke up to the music of BBC World that Appa was watching. It annoyed me, like it always does.

I woke up a bewildered S violently and told her that, I didn’t need to marry a boy whose father was in the Indian Railways. But I needed to marry someone, who was not allergic to any Kizhangus, not even Senai.

S walked up to the Rani Muthu calendar and peeled away the earlier date. And then she said rather heavily, Amma is not back for another eighty-one days.

37 comments:

Deepti said...

Mad child.
Nicely written.
In Trichy Thatha’s house everything was exotic, fried, high on carbs, high on spices, borrowed from other worlds and then fused with the Tamizh world.
Go and learn from the Paati, kiddo.

Karthik said...

You are good. Very good.

viswajith.k.n said...

hmm...nice post...reminds me of the bygone...:P

Karthik Sriram said...

Though the blog is more Brahm, than tamil, two updates quite close to each other was cool!

And regarding Senai allergy - u guys are missing out an super duper veggie. Avlo daan solla mduiyum!


LKS

un said...

"And I didn’t feel anything like the twenty-four year old grown up woman. I was a child and my Appa was unwell. It was unfamiliar and unsettling. I wanted my Amma back."

Awwww..that's how I would've felt too.. with all that guilt!

The five dishes limit sounds like my Mom. You didn't tell us what the other four dishes are.

Kadambari said...

Hehehe. Nice, nice. I personally hate the Senai, allergy or not.

In Trichy Thatha’s house everything was exotic, fried, high on carbs, high on spices, borrowed from other worlds and then fused with the Tamizh world.
Lovely.

themoronmagnet said...

I hate carbs. Your family should adopt me.
And I would love it if my Amma went away for 81 days. Sigh.

Raj said...

Ha, men came to the weddings in autos, ate senai, went back in yambulances.

Great stuff, again

Vikram said...

You mean to say, just like we inherit heart problems and baldness from thatha, we will also inherit the quirks? :)

Sid said...

Aaah, the family clan that stays ten kms away from Chenai (sorry, that's how I pronounce it). I have heard of you guys, in fact I believe you guys are a legend in the marriage circuit.

Nice post and good to see you are writing more frequently, keep it coming.

Nandhu said...

nicely done! great to see you post in quick succession.

gradwolf said...

orru kazhangu kula ithana vishayam ah!

nee engyooo poiteee!

--
Adithya

buddy said...

we have a kothorakai thing in our family..apparently causes extreme dullness

Ashok said...

ATM madam: writing in need of crisper editing. And too much trying to get in some punch dialogue. In last post did the doctor really say, dont look at google, or you made it up. Of course, this is just a blog and everything about it might be made up. It just didnt fit in. On other hand your writing is go ghetto iyer (how about 'gangsta paappaan') that I love it.

Yuppie said...

Wow !! Thats a mouth watering post. Reminds me of the food. Waah. Seriously agree wid karthik sriram. Pity your ppl have this allergy.
Appdi antha sena kazhanga chinna chinatha narrukki kadalamaavula pessari (wid arasi maavu salt and mollaga podi) poricha ada ada enna amrithamma irrukkum...

prabhu said...

good read

chronicworrier said...

I can't help but smile. Sorry--just that I would have done exactly the same thing.

Vijay said...

Really nice post.

Oru kizhangu enna paadu padutharthu :) Personally, I'm nervous about seppang kizhangu. More often than not, it ends up hurting your throat.

inbavalli said...

I can never eat senai without thinking of your family now :D

Pray tell us what are the other four dishes your mum churns out -- I'm consumed by curiosity :o

Bikerdude said...

Thochify in puli thanni for an hour before frying it in the 1 litre oil ma. Also only use Palghat senai. Sweet and non scratchy they are. Of course please don't believe some yo type biker fool, avoid pannaradhe bestu.

Phoenix said...

wow i didn't know kizanghu causes so much of chaos?Isn't it suppose to another source of carbs? Anyhow i love the blog ;)

Fishy said...

Very nicely written post. Paavam the chennai thathaa and family.. missing on an amazing fry.. how come your periamma's, chitti;'s.. did not advise you an adding oodles of Puli.. to do away with the allergy part.. and may the energy part of kizhangu and just retain the taste..

Kadambari said...

You have disappeared from everywhere! :)

Sabarinathan said...

Hi ATP:

Glad to see u hv resumed. I was afraid I was going to miss new posts from you for ever after that Feb post, much as I don't approve your spelling God with a small "g" or your steadfast determination to remain anonymous. It does appear though that much of the magic might evaporate without the mystery.

Since we have this cloak of anonymity between us I do not have to worry about being suspected of flattery in whatever I say.

The story of the life of a Tam Bram family is no doubt engaging. It evokes nostalgia, especially now that as a family we do not quite live that way any longer. We live in a half evolved state, unwilling to cast away some of our old beliefs and yet putting on the appearances of a contemporary South Indian middle class. Not very long ago, when my mother was alive, our home must have had so much in common with the stuff you write about.

As my ever-youthful f-i-l points out themes such as this cannot hold your attention for long. Yet these posts have held my attention. I think it has to do with your style of writing. It is refreshing.

To validate my belief I visited similar blogs, that I shall avoid naming. They sound pedantic, laboured and very contrived. And prove my f-i-l right,as does my recollection of Gangadharan's feature on a similar theme. Wonder if he still writes.

Keep writing, while I keep at my endeavour to blow your cover :-)

That is part of the magic for me, as puerile a pleasure as it might seem...

Best,

Chalayil

krishashok said...

Ah, the Extraordinary Blandness of Saatvik food...we refer to those Koottus as Non-Descript-Liquidy-things-designed-to-deaden-the-soul-and -make-us-nice-Hindu-reading-maamaas.

By the way, you have stopped writing for Ergo?

Nilu said...

Ashok raises a very interesting point. In that, the writing sometimes, does seem to need better editing. Then again, there is some joy in reading what's predictably lame in a rather long write-up that is delightful otherwise. Maybe you overlooked editing that particular phrase on purpose -- as some signature style.

The technique, when used sparingly, is quite brilliant. But the trick is, exactly that.

Good luck.

Anubhuti said...

Hey ATP, Got a link to your Blog from Deepa, I love it. I mean, LOVE it.

We had met at that Kolam talk at Alliance and discussed paatu teachers. :)

ranji said...

hey just came across your blog and it's a great read! i'm a tam brahm too but not really a fan of our food...except the kind we get to eat at celebrations. my fav line was the one about god creating both horlicks and senai. killer. i will be coming back to your blog for sure. write on! u could read mine too- www.ranjita.blog.com

Chaya said...

I'm from Thanjavur, and I can assure you that my mother does make some exotic (and sometimes not so savory) dishes. Sepan kizhangu is probably my favorite curry, so your news about kizhangu's brain-dulling abilities makes me very sad.
You are an amazing writer and I love this blog!
I'm glad your Appa is okay, though!

Arthi said...

I say you have serious talent..! Pleasure to read your postings.. keep writing.
As my thatha would have said, Ponnae..rombo nalla ezhutharae..!

Brahmanyan said...

You remind me of SVV. He was a great writer who started writing in English first and changed over to Tamil in Ananda Vikatan. (Please ask your Thatha) He was known for bringing out best of humour from worst situations in our day to day life. Very few have been gifted with this talent. Keep it up. God Bless you.
Brahmanyan.

Lalit said...

I was busy with some very important work, when I happened to see a link to your page on a friends blog. And believe me, I could not stop reading through the whole posting even when I have loads of work waiting for me.
I loved the sentence- Mother was in a training MODE - too hilarious

Cheers

Smita said...

Your post was hillarious!!!:)

Baidik said...

"I was a child and my Appa was unwell... I wanted my Amma back.."

This one had me misty eyed.

... a rare let down of guard from ATP.

Phani said...

Dudette, Write somethin .. u havent written in a looong time!!1

Harini said...

I was thinking of Section 302 of the IPC...had me ROTFL ....good one!!!

YOSEE said...

Thamizh penney,stumbled upon yr. yammy culinary travails by chance, and was abs. captivated ! Ada, enna ithu ? Namma veettu sangathi ippadi santhi "sirikkuthey"-nnu ! Sinfully- rich- food branch of family versus finicky- branch, kizhangu allergies, bharadwaja gothram....hmmm,kismet konnection somewhere ?....loved your humour, dear girl. have bookmarked you. Regards.